Never in a million years could we have guessed how adopting 4 little children from trauma would change our lives. It has been the hardest thing we've EVER done. Looking back we can see now how we were totally unprepared for what trauma was doing to them and how it would consume our lives as well.
It's like eating glass daily... hoping at some point you'll get used to it. There is an entire network of parents/families going through this "the underground world of RAD" in FB groups. All coming together in support, in brokenness, in complete and utter desperation... the groups you're so happy to find, but no one wants to be there. Where you welcome each new person who finds it , but wish they weren't there. There's also a group for those that can't take it anymore, the "Adoption Disruption" group... where people are quietly directed in private because no one but someone living with this could possibly understand.
I even joined a Adoption Support group... but it was hard to watch all the hopeful parents, eager to adopt, not knowing the "dark side" they may find..... I posted our story, parts of others stories... hoping to educate them, warn them...
So many times I've sat here staring at this screen wanting to say what's been on my heart, but it would be so hard for some of you to hear
:(
My experience may not become your experience... but it might, and
that's what compels me to tell you my story. I came from a
"dysfunctional family" and my hubby came from a really "messed up
family". We had two sons, we chose to raise them differently, we
PURPOSED to be good parents, to raise them away from all the stuff we'd
grown up with. I stayed at home, and home educated them. My hubby worked
hard. We were poor by most people's standards, but we were happy! We
raised two amazing, thoughtful, giving young men... now in college
becoming engineers, a parents dream, a dream life. Except this... in
their teens, a family we knew in our homeschool group went and rescued
their great nephews (3) and niece... their mom was a meth addict, a very
dangerous person. The great Aunt who rescued them had guardianship of
them after awhile because the bio mom disappeared. She had health
problems and they were a HUGE handful for her, you can only imagine the
trauma these little ones had come from poked with needles, beaten up by
grown adults, guns held to their heads, starved. So we started watching
them on weekends and taking them for weeks at a time so she could
rest... we became attached to them and them to us. They littlest 3
started slipping up and calling us "Mom & Dad". We started to feel
our hearts open to the idea of adoption although we'd never considered
it before. We started to pray about it, and felt that the LORD had
really lead us to be there for them. We approached the great Aunt about
adopting them and keeping them together because she'd started to search
for different homes for all of them because of her health. Long story
short, we adopted this little sibling group at ages 14mos, 6 yr old twin
boys, and their 7 yr old brother.... they are now 6, 10, 10 and 11 yrs.
It has changed our lives in very hard, hard ways. We were naive to
trauma bonds, and how deeply entrenched they would be in those trauma
bonds... here we are still struggling EVERY single day to get the right
services, helpful services for them. It is ALL consuming, completely
EXHAUSTING, and it changes your life in ways you will never imagine...
you lose friends, you lose family, people judge you, judge your
children... your bio children lose the Mom & Dad they've known their
whole lives. You are a piece of your former self to them now. They
don't invite friends over, because someone is always raging. You can't
go to their special events because transitions are too hard for the
little ones. They watch you become shadows of who you once were. They
tell you they may never have children of their own because they are now
traumatized. You become recluses, you feel trapped. You may have to put
locks on your doors to keep them from running when they're raging. You
may have to lock up all sharps, meds, and valuables (even food) because
they can't be trusted. Some of them will urinate and defecate all over
your home, report you for abuse because they're mad at you for asking
them to clean their room. They punch holes in your walls, smash things,
shred furniture, hurt pets and other children... you may have to put
plexiglass or plywood over windows to keep them from busting the glass
out. Adoption is not all babies and dreams come true... even newborns
straight out of the hospital can have trauma... it starts in UTERO...
with stress chemicals, drug and alcohol abuse. I want so much to be
happy for all of the adoptive parents who are so excited to be getting
home studies completed, or paired with their child... but a part of me
cringes, prays for you, hopes my story is not your story....
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