In reflecting back over October I see that it has been such a whirlwind. Not only in the day to day activity of homeschooling, being a keeper of the home and helpmeet to my hubby... but of changes, milestones, challenges and spiritual battles...
I love October... it's one of my favorite months! The changing of seasons and the burst of Autumn colors. The cooling of summer temps and the approach of holidays. But this year something's different in me... with the end of October fast approaching, I feel an aching sadness in the very depths of my soul. One that in some small way has become a permanent part of me. I'm finding as I learn to walk closer with the Lord that I am burdened with the things of the Lord. Fighting my own spiritual battles, the continuous crucifying of self and the laying down of my will has brought me to a deeper understanding of how deceived and wicked our hearts can be to God when we truly see them through His eyes. Things that are to Him "as rags" are perfectly acceptable and even "golden" to the world.
This has been a beautiful month, filled with wonderful fellowship, a multitude of blessings abounding straight from heaven and true Holy Spirit led wisdom gained. But it's been a hard month, a really hard month. Praying without ceasing, fasting over strongholds, heart wrenching tears flowing for the unsaved, crying out to sleeping Christians who are "drinking the Kool-aid" of the world and losing their way. Sooooooo many people hurting, soooooo many people with hardened hearts & half hearted attempts to get right with the Lord.... My heart bleeds for them ALL and tears have flooded my world with the burden of my own inadequacy in helping myself or them.
My only comfort in knowing He holds each tear in His hand and that someday in Heaven, there will be no more tears. That I will be HOME and not lost anymore.
I feel so lost in this world, so out of place, misunderstood and inadequate in every way.
I see my extended family living lost lives. Are they lives that are headed to hell? Only He can be the judge of that. But I know what the word says and I am fearful for their souls. Their hearts are so hardened, but they think they are just fine. Heaven is full of "good people" right?
I see Christian friends who get sucked into the world and the pursuit of "stuff." Chasing after things the way pagans do and it saddens me beyond words. The havoc and harm done to themselves and to their families. Or husbands who have laid down their God given right to lead their families either because of being in the world themselves or a nagging wife that doesn't understand her given role of helpmeet and thinks she can "do it better." Or Christian teens being sucked up and spit out by the world... giving up their purity and settling for lesser things... sooooo much lesser then He would have for them. Or churches STUCK.... STUCK in doing the "same old, same old" while people are drowning in their sinful, fallen lives ALL around them. Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggg!!!! The futileness of those churches makes me want to SCREAM. I remember being in a church where other Christians told me I would eventually lose my zeal for God and that the "fire" I was feeling as a new Christian would fade. That "real life" would set in and I would someday know what it felt like to feel "far from Him." ARE THEY NUTS?? Almost eight years later I feel like I'm going to BUST... unable to contain my thankfulness that HE chose to reach down and pull the scales from my miserable unsaved eyes and I was BORN AGAIN! Adopted into His eternal family and that I would get to go to HEAVEN someday!!!! HELLO??? IS that not something worth shouting about everday?! Think of the alternative... BURNING IN HELL for ETERNITY... hummm???? seems a no brainer to me to be EXCITED!
I know the Lord loves me and that I'm not getting to heaven through ANY power of my own. Jesus has paid the price and done the work, we KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!! But there's still getting through this fallen place, struggling each and every day to CRUCIFY the flesh in my life so I can be a vessel fit for His use. Having victory some days and utter failure others. How do we fall into setting the bar so much lower for ourselves then He would have for us?????? I HATE THIS FALLEN WORLD... and the pain that it brings. I do not want MY WILL, You can have it Lord, I beg You, please Lord take it...
Sigh............. but life goes on in this fallen place with all it's tears and all it's pain. Only He knows why this is truly necessary for me and for you, and I trust Him. And it's in those moments I'm pressed in tight to Him, resting in Him, yielding my life and my will to Him... that I can see the beauty in this fallen place. All of creation praises it's creator... A glimpse of what will be our forever one day in Heaven, and I can go on.
Humbly Yours Lord
Sherri <><
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